Grief

Bismillah

Grief is just love with no place to go.

People all grieve. Some are different than others, but we can all agree that there is just this sense of emptiness that we all perceive.

It is a feeling where you notice everything moving around you, but it feels like time has stopped. Where sounds don’t hear the same anymore, colors are dull, and flavors are bland. When nothing matters other than to sit in the moment and feel empty.

Whether you have lost a loved one, been laid off, or been stuck with tragedy, the moment you hear the news, you feel the world’s weight drop into your stomach.

Knowing there is nowhere to hide, without a place to run to.

That weight feels unbearable. But it isn’t something you haven’t felt before.

A sad reality

I was at an airport headed to Phoenix, Arizona, recently, and I sat next to this man; relatively my age, it looked like he could be a distant relative or a cousin based on looks.

After being intrigued by how similar we looked and dressed, I had to start a conversation.

After sitting down, I see him and instantly realize that he is uncomfortable and jittery. Pacing back and forth, wanting to avoid hopping on that plane.

Fearing the destination.

After sparking a conversation to calm this man down, I ask him. “How ya living?” His response shocked me.

“In between 6 feet under and paradise.”

A very unusual way to put this Dunya, a genuinely unique perspective.

After trying to wrap my head around what that meant, my inquisitive nature kept poking to figure out what elicited this response.

Learning that the man was on the way to bury his uncle, who passed away a few hours ago, I lent an ear to listen to his sorrow and provided my shoulder to be cried on. His uncle was nearing old age but still had a lot of life in him; that man processed his grief the only way he knew how, by looking at the reality of death in the face of this emotional rollercoaster. His somewhat optimistic but scary reality and outlook was an impactful moment I hold dear.

That moment instantly changed my brain chemistry and allowed me to dive deep and understand the grief around my life and experiences.

It’s personal

Death, for example, happens every day. But when it’s personal or about you, that’s when it matters.

A dear friend of mine wants to tell me a quote that he got from, crazy enough, Dictator Joseph Stalin.

“The death of 1 man is a tragedy. But the death of millions is just a statistic.”

When it is personal, that’s when the world stops. But it becomes much easier to bear when it’s halfway across the world where the atrocities don’t impact you. In reality, we can’t be selfish with the process of understanding death, grieving; however, it is a natural progression of life; there isn’t much we can do afterward.

When it is personal, the love of the person that left now has no place in this world. That place where love could go, left with them. So the love becomes frustrated with itself and eats itself from within. Looking for a place to just be sent.

All the goodbyes and love you always meant to give them but never got the chance to. All pent up, waiting for the release like a river being held up by a dam.

But the only thing that floods are your tears.

Uncontrollably flowing, tears rush until the wetness of your beard starts painting on your shirt, which, when looking at the whole frame, seems only like a beautifully tragic scene that only Van Gogh, Goya, or Picasso can depict.

I’m not a painter, but you get the picture.

Advice

The age-old question becomes how do we reconcile where the love goes before it comes to grief?

That is a beautiful question. I don’t have any answers, but I do have some advice.

Not living with regret is a good place to start.

In reality, truth doesn’t need agreement or care for your emotion. Truth moves forward. Just like the rest of the world.

Like anything else, these types of grief will take time to come to terms with.

But the grief that will live on forever, is the grief of regret. That is a weight that no one else can bear.

Making sure every interaction you have is intentional with total effort. Leaving everything on the table.

All the emotions you shoulda said or probably should have refrained from.

All the flowers you didn’t give.

At the end of the day, more people regret things they didn’t do rather than what they did.

If this is a sign for you to do something, go for it.

The fear of regret far outweighs the fear of failure.

If you focus on the hurt, you’ll continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow.

So learn the lesson before the grief sets in. And let the comfort of an attempt set you free.